For the month of April, I was in a state of pulling hair out of my head (figuratively), ever since I completed applications in December. I slept on the brink of nervousness. I met tens of students on my visits to colleges and sporadically texted these students who were wondering where I was going for college. They texted me back with nothing definitive. I would ask students questions hoping that one of them would create a moment when I would finally make up my mind and decide that college X was superior. But I couldn't. Every college had a mascot, a person who wanted me to go to college Y over college X. People's expectations clouded my judgment. Do I accept the invitation to dinner from a student from college X or start afresh at college Y's swarms of groups? It almost became a battle of who I wanted to let down the least.
Whenever I had thought of the merits of college X, the devil's advocate part of me would rear its horns and gash that argument apart. I wanted the people of college X, but I preferred the academics of college Y. I wanted apples and oranges, but no tree would produce both. I began wishing I hadn't messaged students on Facebook asking whether or not I should go to college Y over college X. Their responses were always thorough and correct, but never biased. I wished they would go on a ten page rant furiously typing "go to college X! College Y sucks!" But it would never happen. The polite, academic part of them surfaced. The students always vouched for their college, whether in tones of rigidity or praise which I could not discern if they were exaggerated.
So now, after a part of the month trying to get off my wait-lists, dozens of exchanges wondering whether or not I should go to college X, Y, or Z, I realize that I should not have been so frantically reaching out to people I had to disappoint and never see again. After years of wearing myself out in panic whether over relationships or grades or college, I realize the truth of the saying that "less is more." I should not have tried so hard, rather I should have been more chill in setting my goals.
Eric, I am extremely glad that you have arrived at this; in fact, if we had more time in the school year I'd suggest taking these concluding sentences, " I realize the truth of the saying that "less is more." I should not have tried so hard, rather I should have been more chill in setting my goals.", and turning them into a personal reflective essay. Or perhaps you could do that for fun anyway.
ReplyDeleteWhile it pains me to see this realization come so belatedly, I am also happy. Now-- don't overcompensate and completely slack off.
Haha very interesting dilemma, Eric. I think you painted the horrors of getting too close and personal to the college decision process. Of course, since you were choosing between schools you really liked, I'm sure it was necessary.
ReplyDeleteAlso, congratulations on your college decision and graduation! :) It's been a long, hard slog but we made it!
Sorry, it's technically /her/ characteristic writing style, but I probably know who you're talking about anyway.
ReplyDeleteOne supposes that the end result of being happy is worth the pain and turmoil one has endured in the past, perhaps. I was thinking about letters that one writes to one's future self; I've never done it because I feared that I wouldn't forget that I'd done it, but it always struck me as an interesting idea, and I sometimes wonder if my past self would be irritated or upset with who I am now. But it seems as if it doesn't really matter, as long as one is happy for the present, always regarding, never forgetting the future.